—I Have Nothing
How are you?
I’ve made this blog for you. I made it especially for your birthday and not only for your birthday today but for every single birthday for the years to come.
How long has it been since the last time we met?
I last directly saw you on February 1, 2012 at the airport. Do you remember that day? Everyone was there, tears were falling, smiles were faked. I didn’t even know if I could actually get on the plane that night. Everything was changing too fast and I, like anyone else, am afraid of change.
It was never easy leaving you. I remembered crying endlessly on the plane. I remembered that I couldn’t stop. I remembered that night, it was unpleasant. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay where I felt comfort and it was there with you.
I miss you.
I miss your eyes that has seen us grow. I miss your soft hair that glides between my fingers. I miss your smile that reminds me on how beautiful this world is. I miss your kiss, your soft tender lips. I miss you more than these words can ever say.
How long have we been together? I’ve lost count, numbers have become meaningless. It only shows the days that have passed and I am forever content with the present. To have today filled with you has always made my day a beautiful day.
I love you.
To love is to grow together, not to grow apart. It is to have understanding, not understanding merely because we are are in a relationship but understanding because it is what we want, because it is what makes us happy and I hope you are.
We can only do this, if we are not only lovers but friends, deep loving, longing friends.
You have always been my best friend and no other friend has known and understood me deeper.
You are 22 years old now. I was with you when you were 20 and I was with when you were 21. Numbers are numbers, age is but an age. What counts is what you have learned from day to day.
Life is hard, I know. I’ve had a glimpse on how hard life is.
I would trade everything that I have just to see my dad again. Just to show what I have achieved but I know I can’t.
I feel lonely sometimes and I wish I could have you here just for a small simple hug but I know I can’t.
I wish I could be there for you now, I wish I could help you on everything that you need help on but I know I can’t.
There are lots of things that I can’t have but I have slowly and painfully learned to look on what I have rather than to weep on what I do not have. You must do the same, you must learn the same.
Loneliness is painful, standing firmly on your own two feet is terrifying, failure is agonizing, life is tiring.
I wish I was as young as you are now when I failed on many things, when I did my mistakes, when I was lonely. You have much more time to grow and to understand. Be grateful of it.
You are young, we are young and we still have a long, hard and painful path that we must take. It will be painful, it will be heartbreaking, it will be tiring but today we have each other to share the burden.
Happy birthday Rara Sekar, may your life be filled with the endless beauty of the universe.
Ben K. C. Laksana
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